Next step

So, I have therapy today. Yes, I go to therapy. I am kinda fucked up. But its cool, because I know it. So I was talking to a friend about what I should move on to now that I have done the first thing I wanted help with (if I should get seperated/divorced). I think next I want to move to attachment issues, especially since dating is in my future (maybe. I don’t really know how that will work). Anyway, I get attached to fast and hurt to easily. I easily feel rejected and well, I know what she will say, probably related to my childhood and relationship with my dad. I also have an idea about what methods she will use to help me. To bad I can’t be my own therapist….that would be sweet! Thankfully its free right now.

Other than that, I got a final due tomorrow – I am on page 3, and lets just say he’s expecting at least 7 more pages. ACK! Plus i have another final next week I haven’t started and have to have read up on methods in 3 books and redo my proposal. Crap. Man. I totally wasted this whole stupid week! It’s like on one hand I totally needed a break and a couple days just to think and get right, but I don’t really have the luxery of time. Sucks.

Anyway, I guess I better get on that.

Believe it or not…

I hate being the bad guy. Some who knew me back in my early college days [Jason L. ] might have a hard time believing it, but I have gone soft. I absolutely HATE hurting feelings, and here I am doing it. I wish that I could say that Andrew and I will always be friends and work things out like we are now, but I don’t trust that. Not just on his part, but on mine too. When people get bitter it changes them and I don’t want that to happen. So, I drew up something. I think it insulted Andrew, which isn’t/wasn’t my intention. He has been more than generous in helping me and the kids, I just want us both to have this security and to make things ‘official’ for now.

So now I feel like a jerk *sigh*. And I hate it. But I guess there wasn’t really another alternative. So, yeah. There we go.

I guess things are going all right otherwise. Except like *everything* keeps breaking! Yesterday I went to get new tires, they told me I had like 0 break pads left, so I went and got new breaks. Turns out the calibrator thingy wasn’t even attached! Totally could have fell off and caused an accident. Then this morning the hot water heater is out. Then I lost one of my meds and have to pay for it again, and it isn’t one of the kinds that has a generic brand. ACK!

The good news is that I have a babysitter for Nov 13, so I can go out with some peoples in Cincinatti. Andrew will be at the casino and I am going with the people we usually hang out with to bars or whatever. I am super excited about it! I am liking this people taking care of my kids stuff It’s nice to know that once in a while I can go out and be 27. I sort of feel like I lost my 20’s – married at 21, 2 kids by 25. So, here’s to having some fun!!

Anyway, I guess that’s it. I should totally do my homework and clean up! Water heater fixer-upper is coming tomorrow morning!

Coming up with a new plan

Have you ever had a great plan, thought you had a strait course to take and then suddenly something hits you by suprise and you are like “holy shit, what the fuck just happened?” That is the story of my life. I always think I have a plan, think I am on the way to where I need/want to be, and then I have something happen – an event, a realization, hit by an emotion – and all the sudden I have no freaking clue and feel lost and isolated. Like the whole trail I had been on just up and disapears and I can’t even see the trail anymore, much less the destination.

I don’t know why this happens, but it does. Perhaps depression, loss of a sense of control, but what I do know is that when I don’t have a plan I can’t function well. Oh I can make it through the day doing the basics, but I feel empty, well emptier than normal.

So. I need a plan. No, that’s not right. I had a plan 4 days ago, what I need to do is find that stupid path again. I liked that path, it was awesome and freeing and what I ultimately wanted. So, I am taking the week off from interning and getting myself squared away again.

I R-O-C-K!

So I had that poster presentation yesterday on my paper “The Reintegration of Military Families Post Combat Deployment” and it went super well! I don’t think I won the overall competition but I did get invited to speak at two more conferences and sit on a committee that is trying to plan a military social work conference. How freaking awesome and good for my carreer is that? I LOVE it! This is why I got into this field in the first place and to be recognized as a valuable part of the community based on my work, passion for the subject, and to have my opinion and insight valued enough to be on a committee just cements that this is what I was meant to do and that research is my bag, if you will.

So, if you couldn’t tell I am super pumped and even more enthusiastic about this next project I am working on!

Well off to get ready for the day and keep working on the homework!

Some…news…

So, I guess I can say this now. I don’t know how it would hurt. Andrew and I are separating. I won’t go into details but he will be moving out. I have to say that this is going pretty amicably despite some hurt feelings. Andrew has been rather generous with helping me out, and I have to give him credit for that. I wish that things had turned out differently, but I think we have both been unhappy for a long time. As a result, I think that it is better not just for us, but for the kids to see us both happy even if it’s not always together. I am hoping that along the way we can have birthdays, ect together and be civil or friendly for the kids sake. I can honestly say we both want what is best for the boys.

So the boys and I are staying in the house and I will continue going to school. I have to say that the prospect is a little overwhelming, but not really different from the way things were. I have always been the primary care giver and took care of all the household chores, paid bills, did homework, ect. So it is the same really. I think perhaps it is more the sense of loss….

Anyway, better news is that I have my poster presentation at the Ohio chapter of the National Association of Social Workers conference tomorrow. That’s exciting and nerve racking but a great experience so I am excited about that! Speaking of which, I better get cracking. I have a final due Friday I haven’t started plus making the poster…

 

Some Major Changes

There are some major changes in my personal life that are about to take place. I am not going to talk about them just yet, but just wish me luck in getting things the way the need to be for all of us.

I am also stressing about this poster presentation that I am doing. I know I will be fine, but I am nervous I will make a total fool of myself and not remember stuff, ect. I also got bad news about my thesis, as I cannot do a survey. I talked to my second chair, who is a downer, and when I mentioned doing one on one interviews she asked how many qualitative studies I had done. I said none and she said “well it takes years to learn to do it right, so that’ not possible”. My jaw hit the floor. Of course I haven’t I’m not getting my PhD sheesh. My first chair said it was a possibility earlier so I am going to talk to her about it.

I also managed to get a staff infection in my face, right about half way down my nose on my cheek. Apparently there is a ‘triangle of death’ on your face. The tip is in between your eyebrows and it comes down along side your nose to just under it. Apparently if you get a staff infection in this area you have a 95% chance of dying. Mine end at the edge of this triangle of death. I was totally freaking out checking constantly if it had spread ect. It does, however, motivate me to take my meds!

Speaking of meds I am on a concoction that seems to be working. Mobic, Lyrica, Cymbalta and Welbutrin. So far I am feeling pretty good, back down to a 1 or 2 where I am able to either put the pain out of my mind and/or ignore it for the most part. By the way, if you have fibromyalgia you may not want to do the relaxing exercise that has you feel each part of your body, it makes you notice the pain way more.

The kids are doing well. Runny noses and the usual for winter. I am trying to get Landen a flue shot but everyone seems to be out. Weds I will have to call the health department.

Other than school, interning, kids, cleaning, ect there isn’t much else (you know, other than that big change). So yeah.

Papers, and presentations, and kids oh my!

So, I keep saying I need to blog, but there area  lot of things going on that are to private to be putting out there on the internet. Things that are my stressors, but since I can’t talk about that, I will talk about what I do have going on and the kids.

I just went into the dr again. My pain/aching has been getting worse with the change in season and do to many factors (genetics, stress, pain) I have gotten on more anti depressants, which also helps with the fibromyalgia. Here’s to hoping this new combination makes me relatively pain okay and helps my mood and exhaustion!

As for school, it is going as well as it ever does. I am presenting on a paper I wrote about military family reintegration at the National Social Work Association’s Ohio Chapter conference next week. I am also editing my paper for publication. That would be super sweet! I am also still attempting my thesis. I think if I get to do it the way I want it will be super awesome! Here’s to hoping…I have to make a lot of phone calls and get a lot of paperwork done, but I think it will be really informative and hopefully publishable!

As for the kids, they are super awesome! Both are sleeping in their own beds mostly through the night (there’s the occassional lost bink, sick nights, or peeing through the diaper). Landen is so good about the peeing, never going in his diaper at night. Aiden is talking so much! He just moved up a class at daycare and gets to play on a bigger play ground. I pick up from there and he yells “Good day!” lol. He holds complete conversations and can count…so much more than Landen could at that age, amazing how daycare has improved both of their social skills. They share relatively great, they use their words, they enjoy playing with others, count, ABC’s…amazing. I love it! And the best part is how happy they are to see me when I get them!

I wish I could think of something cute they have done lately but I am drawing a blank….

Other than that life is pretty boring. School, Intern, Kids, Homework, Sleep. Interning is going pretty well. I am on the acute psych ward still and do mostly discharge planning and assessments. I have been focusing on discharges because I don’t have a lot of experience and was commended yesterday for drawing boundaries and doing 4 discharges. I also was told I do assessments well so I guess that’s good. I just can’t wait to get a client load! I am nervous about sucking at it because I suck at knowing my treatment models, but also excited to delve into some psyches!

Again, I will try and update more, I know I have been sucking but I will try!

And yet, nothing new

I find it depressing that at 27 I take more pills than some 50 year olds. I take 4 pills in the morning, 2 at night, and sometimes something in the middle. Sometimes I think that I should just stop, but then I remember the pain (as if I could forget, seeing as I have an echo of it all the time). *sigh* I just hate to think about what my body chemistry will be like in like 10 years.

In other news, I am still in school, and it is still stressful I am actively working on my thesis, which I think will be super awesome. I am still working on getting published (I still need to make some miner changes in the paper and then send out an abstract to some journals), and I am still trying to keep up with my regular assignments. Plus interning, and having to start a group there. My goal for this quarter is to define and hold boundaries. It should be interesting! Turns out my issue is that I have to much empathy and not enough boundaries…whoda thought? ….and then all the other stuff on top of that.

Things at home are also stressful, though I won’t go into detail. All the stress does not do much for my pain level or ability to not get seriously irritated. The good news is the boys are doing really great! Aiden just turned two and can sing his ABC’s (for the most part) and knows the numbers 1-10, though not necessarily in order. Landen is potty trained, minus the pooping in the diaper, and can sing his ABC’s count to like 20 and do a bunch of other things! It amazes me that they are like little people now. Crazy. But nice in a lot of ways. No more having to guess (most of the time) about what they need is probably the best part.

My car also broke, which is not awesome. We are putting a new battery in today and checking the break fluid, hopefully its just low and we don’t need brakes. Then we have to buy tires. ACK! stupid cars.

Well I am going to have to get the kids ready (Aiden is throwing shoes everywhere and Landen is wearing Andrew’s beret) then I have a pampered chef party this afternoon. The kids have been dying to see the Kyles so I will oblige

That explains soooo much

As I am sitting here eating my lunch I just noticed Aiden drinking his water color water….everything makes so much more sense now….

As for everything else…it’s all right. Sorta. At least at home. School is actually pretty good, just super busy and I just have to get motivated, which seems hard for me to do since there is the internet and texting. By the way, I need more people to txt lol.I have a few things that are due this week as well as taking Aiden to his 2yr appt. Can’t wait for that. All those shots should be a great time *enter eye roll here*

Other than that I am just trying to keep working on the weight loss, keep my kids entertained, and get my school work knocked out…

Busy, Busy

So, my time today is being largely spent contacting military basis for information on reintigration. It has been a long day, and now I get to move on to abstracts and proposals. *sigh* I am realling interested in this, I swear, but who the hell knew it would be so much freaking work? Oh wait…everyone, including me, but for some reason I over looked that!

Anyway, can you believe that tomorrow I will be 27?! It is so hard for me to believe! I still feel 20 and can’t really concieve of almost being 30. It feels foreign and weird. I think I might go shopping for my present. Since exactly 2 years ago today (two days before I had Aiden) I have lost 87lbs. Granted, 30 of that was baby stuff. The rest I did. So that is pretty freaking awesome!

Well, I suppose I should get back to it. I need to do some work then go b-day shopping for Aiden, order the cake, and go grocery shopping.