A Kid-free Week

This has to have been one the longest weeks of my life. Before I had kids a week alone wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t long, it was normal. Now that I have had kids for two years and my days have been filled with feedings, diaper changes, cuddling, putting kids to sleep, playing, cooking and cleaning. Now I just get them dressed in the morning, do a quick clean up because they haven’t been home, and by the time they get home they eat, we play outside, and go to bed so there is barely anything to do. Then I do homework and then I get insanely bored. It’s weird.

The kids are doing well there though. Their teachers say they are great and cry only for a couple minutes after I leave, provided that they are crying when I do leave. The only problem has been that Aiden is only taking one nap a day, and it’s only an hour. So he is a little cranky, but I think when he gets used to being there that will change.

So there you go. I have to go start picking up. I went and timed my drive to school and looked at parking areas – I am telling you this campus is gigantic – so I could figure when the kids needed dropped off on Monday. Then I dinked around online, so now i have to get my butt in gear. I have a couple more articles to read and a couple of chapters in the book that I have comming today. The good news is that once that is done I get to spend a weekend with my kids, minus a “girls night out” tomorrow night with the people we hang out wiht on weekends.

Hope everything is well with everyone!

All Grow’d Up

The first few days of full time daycare have gone surprisingly well. Landen loves it there (except today he freaked out when I left and I could hear him screaming all the way down the hall) and apparently plays really well and listens and even takes a nap for someone other than me! Aiden, while he usually cries the first few minutes (though today he was like “whatever mom” and went off without a sound – I think it was opposite day) I guess he plays and eats really well, even though he is sick. I am so releaved to hear this because I was so worried I was doing the wrong thing but after Monday (read last post about my sign) and seeing how much they love it there, I think I am doing what is right for them (they need socialized and more structure than I have managed) and for me. I am loving the time to myself. I feel guilty saying that, but seriously, I haven’t ever had more than a few hours away and never twice in a row. I love the first few hours of peace and quiet, but then I get bored and start counting the hours until I can see the boys. Another good sign is how well they sleep at night. The boys are conked out, Aiden by 7 and Landen by about 830. If Aiden wasn’t sick he would probably sleep all night, and Landen does.

So I have pictures of their first day, but like all the other empty promises of pictures, I will have to do the same again. My laptop crashed a few months ago, I think we discussed my hard drive figting back and dying, so I still have to gather all the pictures and sort them. Now that I have all day to myself I guess I could do that, but first I am going to do something I have wanted to for a long time – shampoo the upstairs carpets and the couches….what you wanted something more exciting? Well I might also take a nap! And do homework! I know, the excitement really is overwhelming, I will try and tone it down for you

Anyway, thank you to everyone who has encouraged me to go back to school and those of you who have told me over and over this is the best thing for me and the kids…I think I might be comming around to your side I love my babies more than anything, but I can’t give them the structure and learning that trained professionals can. I hope that this early introduction will lead them to great things and a love for learning and people.

So there you go. I have stuff to do and only….7 hours and 50 minutes to do it ;D

A Sign

This morning I had to drop the boys off for their first full day of daycare, and it was killing me, I was crying as I walked out just knowing they were going to be gone all day and worrying about how they would do. I don’t think a mother can ever describe the feeling she has when she leaves her kids. It’s like a stab in your heart really. But as I got in the car, doubting myself and my decision to go to school and leave them, I got a sign that this was the right choice. A song came on the radio “Is There Life Out There” by Reba Mcentire. I think this song is pretty much my whole life, and I realized that God, or whoever it is that overseas my life (perhaps God hands down these duties to others) was telling me that I was making the right decision. Here are the lyrics if you are interested.

So, to pass the 8 hours the kids are away I went to campus and got my parking pass. I was going to go sign some paperwork but I couldn’t find parking and there were a million people there for the orientation I was skipping. So I went to WalMart and picked up some stuff (suprisingly fast with no kids) and got a brunch at Subway, came home ate, cleaned the kitchen chairs with fabric cleaner, cleaned the living room and kitchen floors and cleaned the downstairs bathroom. I am about to go fold and put away clothes, fix landen’s drawer, and rearrange the spare room to make it back into an office. I am sure if there is time I will think of more stuff to do, but I do have all week to get my house pre-kid clean

I did call the daycare earlier to check on Aiden (I’m not to worried about Landen, minus nap time, because he loves it there and hates leaving) and he is doing well. A little cranky because he is sick but playing and eating well I am feeling much more comfortable with my decision now that I have gotten a sign that I am doing the right thing.

Orientation

I went to the first of three orientations yesterday and it relieved a lot of the anxiety that I had over starting school. I was worried about hte field work since I had never really had any, and they set my mind at ease. The one yesterday focused soley on that aspect. Next Sunday’s will focus on the MSW program as a whole, and the one on the 22nd focuses on OSU graduates. It was really nive being back in a classroom, I forgot how much I love it there, and it was nice meeting other people in my age-group (and a little older). I really feel much better about going back to school.

Other than that there isn’t much else. The boys start the introductory to daycare tomorrow and I have my procedure tomorrow which means I have to drink 3 bottles of magnesium citrate (either that or citrite…) today. I don’t know if you have ever had this stuff, but I nearly puked trying to drink it so I have no idea how I am going to get three down me when I can’t get half a bottle. UG. the thought makes me sick actually.

BLECH. Here’s to not eating for the next 36hrs

Still Stressed

I am so stressed that i have had a headache for 3 days, my stomach burns and I feel like ripping out all my hair while screaming at the top of my lungs. I feel bad for my poor kids because my patience level is somewhere around negative 5 million. I feel so guilty every time I yell because I think of how I won’t be around them as much soon and how much I will miss them.

So why am I so stressed? Maybe this won’t sound like a lot to many people but here it is:

I haven’t had a break for more than a couple hours (unless surgery induced drugged up absences count) in 29 months. My house is constantly getting messy and I can’t keep up. I am starting at a new school with no one I know and it is 4 times bigger than UAF. I am now going to have to balance school, homework, kids, bill paying, appointment making and cleaning when I can barely keep up without the school and homework (keep in mind this is a full time GRADUATE program at a fairly prestigious school). We are in financial crisis. We can make the minimum payments but we can’t even make it payday to payday. We should be able to, but we can’t. With Student loan payments and car payments and house payments….plus buying formula and clothes and all that lets just say our credit cards have had a work out and now they are maxed. We have to see a credit counselor now. I feel like a total failure because I can’t even handle my own damn money. I am also over weight and hate it but going to the gym, while I love it, ends up being more stressful because Aiden makes it about 30min before they come get me. Then I have to coax Landen, who loves it, out which just means they are both screaming at the top of their lungs. Eating is how I cope with stress so I eat all the time even though every time I eat I feel like puking and my stomach hurts. Has been this way for a few months and I just made the connection to this perhaps having to do with my other GI issues. Oh and then there is constantly feeling like crap and aching and hurting and blah blah blah….

So there you go a rambling of what’s going on. I could probably come up with more like having to let my kids go to daycare and the guilt I feel, noticing them growing up so fast and I feel like even though I am here it goes to fast and I am missing out, and the problems I feel are in my marriage. But that would take a lot more time and I want to play with my kids and clean up all the food Aiden decided belonged on the floor (that’s one of the things I miss about Parker, there was never any food left on the floor). Anyway, I will probably pick up some tums and try and remember that meeting a whole bunch of strangers tomorrow and sitting through an orientation isn’t that stressful even though the thought of it has me all anxious.

This Generations JFK

I think that it is fair to think of Sept 11th as this generations JFK assassination. Just as everyone of that generation knew what they were doing the minute they heard the news, I think, we too, will remember just what we were doing the minute we heard the news. At the time I was attending UAF. I was in my dorm room, the corner room I was sharing with Melissa Garrison at the time, and I had my TV set as my alarm. At 11am AK time I was awoken by the CNN coverage saying planes had crashed into the World Trade Centers. I thought there was some kind of movie on, then I realized that it was CNN, and while not the most reliable news source, I figured they couldn’t get something this big wrong. And it was on every station. Frantic about my step-dad, who was on quick deployment for the Western half of the country in case of emergancy, and who was out in training at Fort Lewis, I called my mom, who was also frantic worrying that he would be deployed with no notice to the site.

Soon after I had to go to class, my US History class actually. It was a very morose day to say the least. Of course, this sadness was over run by the loonies who got stuck in Fairbanks because all flights were cancelled. This resulted in crazy evangalistic types (now don’t get me wrong, I believe in God and whatnot, just not in persecuting and defaming everyone who doesn’t believe what you do) stood in our campus square and preached about how the people in the buildings and on the plains deserved to die, and how most of us did too. Talk about disrespectful, ignorant, insensative asses.

I don’t really remember that night, but that day will live on with me forever.

So, in memory of 7 years ago today my thoughts go out to all the families that suffered and the soldiers who are now fighting to protect us as well as their families. My hope is that this country will remember the loose politics and sunny-unicorn utopic feelings of untouchablism that got us in that position in the first place.

A Whole Lotta TMI

So, this has a whole lotta TMI in it but since I am having a surgical procedure I thought I would tell you you should probably not wait until this point, since I basically got told off today for it. I have had bleeding with bowel movements on and off for a long time – like 8 years. However, it had gotten to the point recently where it wasn’t a little bit. So I went into the dr. He said all of the other symptoms I have had (achy, tired, headaches, ect) could all be part of a bowel issue. Go figure, those seem to be symptoms for everything. So now I have to have not only a colonoscopy but a esopho…whatever the one that goes down your throat is – to rule out a bunch of stuff. I don’t know that anything more than an ulcer or two is wrong, but I guess blood isn’t supposed to be a part of your usual bowel habits..who knew?

Now that you have been scared with to much info we will talk about how much I love Craig’s List and how I have made $65 in the last two days and I have two more people interested in 2 other items. How awesome is it that this is not only FREE but also people actually go to the site? It is SUPER awesome! Especially since I am making money! Selling crap!So the goal this weekend, after going to the first of three orientations and, I am sure, going to Mike and Beth’s to drink, would be going through all the stuff I have put away and trying to sell it! Yessiree.

So there you go. I have the first procedure, the colonoscopy, on Monday. I am not looking forward to this but have been assured its nothing like a having hemorrhoids removed, cause that’s worse than child birth (all though caused by child birth)….but you do get awesome drugs.

Lose Weight? What?

So the wight loss thing…not so much. I have just been gorging lately and I blame stress. I seem to have no control over my emotional eating and fall victim every time. I am stressed about starting school on the 29th, scared about going back into a classroom with people and expectations and homework while taking care of kids, cleaning, and saving my sanity. I am stressed about putting the boys in daycare and all the worries I talked about earlier – what if they need something and the providers don’t know what it is? What if they get hurt and want me there to take care of it? on and on. And then I am stressed about the orientations (I have 3) and having to socialize with a group of people for the first time in…4 years. That’s right, I haven’t been in a group of strangers in 4 years. Maybe longer because at UAF there was usually someone in class that I knew. Plus, the size of OSU is like 5 times the size of UAF.

Wow, I am stressing myself out even talking about it…see? So needless to say the ‘life change’ so far hasn’t happened and I am still over eating crap….we won’t talk about how that stresses me out either.

In other news I am selling some of our stuff on Craig’s list, which is free. YAY! I love that place. We won’t talk about how our finances stress me out either.

So I guess that’s really all. I am a big ball of stress. I would do yoga but that would require going to the Y where Aiden lasts about 30 min. then I have to pull Landen out of the nursery which results in a huge fit and more stress.

Well I better go, Landen wants to snuggle [that isn't stressful, just cuddly ]

Disposables

So I am sick of changing 3 diapers a night because, hello, I want to sleep. So I am getting disposables for overnight. And yes I use those fleece pads and yes my kids still pee through that AND the extra layer of folded diaper.

Coffee Please.

Not much else here other than plans to drink emmense amounts of coffee to try and function and cleaning my bathrooms (3 for the love of God) and vaccuming up stairs.Oh and buying overnight diapers. I need some damn sleep, and I hate waking up with pee all over me.

A Lesson in Cloth Diapers

So, the first day I used the cloth diapers Aiden broke out in welts on his stomach and thighs, turns out that despite what the lady says you should wash the covers before you use them. I was freaking out thinking I spent all that money for my kid to be allergic to something. The cloth diapers are starting to work better the more they get washed. I think the most frustrating part is folding them so they fit. The snappies don’t really work on my kids seeing as their tummy’s are a bit larger than most kids, apparently. I can get them to work on one kind of fold with Aiden, but none on Landen. So I have to fold them into the covers – which is fine. Over all I am fairly satisfied with them, but I have more than enough diapers. I am going to wash the others a few more times to increase their absorbancy.

Other than that things are okay I suppose. I am tired/cranky and PMSy so I am sure everyone appreciates my mood swings. I am actually doing better now that I dropped all the meds they were giving me for fibromyalgia. I am still waiting on that book about stabilizing your thyroid.

So today I am reorganizing my kitchen cubards and cleaning the drawers. Then I have a picture to print. I want to print out pictures from Florida and put them in the Album I bought and then start on Aiden’s photobook and add more to Landen’s. However, I think this will be stuff I will have to do once the boys start daycare…which is frighteningly close…a meer 16.5 days away to be exact, and on the 15th they will go for 2hrs a day to get used to it. I am sad because I want to be with them and make sure they are okay. I worry that they will cry and fuss when I am gone and they won’t get taken care of and will be miserable without me and I won’t be there to comfort them or make sure they get what they want. I mean, I am obviously the only one who can tell when Aiden wants his formula *eye roll* – I know it’s crazy obsessive, but I seriously stress about this and how they are going to have abandonment issues when they are older. No don’t lecture me I know that they need to be socialized and that they have had more than enough time to bond with me and they will still love me and will probably love daycare and it will prepair them for school and blah blah blah. But I am their mommy damnit and I will worry if I want to

So there you go. I need to go diaper Aiden before he pees all over again.