Regret

There are few things in my life I regret. Very few, as in one. The one thing I regret is not telling someone that I loved that I loved him. I started thinking about this last night after my post. In college there was a guy, whom I think all my friends know about, that I was friends with, close friends. As we hung out more, the more I grew to like him, but he was taken so I never said anything. The fact that his girlfriend was moving into our dorm was actually the reason that I took an RA job, moved to another dorm, and didn’t look back. I couldn’t handle the idea of her living next to me and seeing him walk into her room and not mine…

Anyway, to this day I regret not saying something, I wonder how he felt about me, and if things would be any different now had I said anything. When I think about him my heart aches. I am not sure if I miss him or the idea of what might have been…but I know I wish I had had the nerve to say something, but I didn’t want to be that girl, the one that messes up other people’s relationships….

I just wonder if he thinks about me like I do him, and I wonder how he feels/felt about me….

Guess I will never know.

Funny, haha not hoho

I think it’s funny how you perceive people to be, and how completely different they turn out than you imagined. There are people I grew up with, went to school with, who I thought I had pegged, and then I see them on Facebook or MySpace and read about them and they have taken up totally different occupations than I thought they would, or became more or less successful than I imagined, and it makes me wonder. I wonder about what makes us peg people into certain categories; what did I see in them, or miss seeing, that I thought one way, and the truth was the complete opposite. It also makes me wonder how they perceived I would turn out, as it were, and if I fit how they pegged me. I guess that’s what 10 year reunions are for….

Anyway, that’s my late night thought of the day. I am going to pick up a bit mroe and head to bed. Got kids and a dog to wake up with and all….

Back in Action!

Today I got my mommy van back, yay!!! It’s all pretty now. I so wish I had had my camera to take pictures of the damage, it was pretty awesome. Anyway, I am happy, and so is my van!!

Speaking of the van, we are talking about going to FL in July to see Andrew’s mom, but I just went to AAA trip calculator and it would cost us $315 at the current fuel prices, just in gas! I don’t know that we will be able to afford it…sad but true.

I also finally got my steam mop, which does work well. Granted, it is a bit slower going, but there is no scrubbing involved, which is nice. It’s a lot less strenuous. Especially in getting up dried on baby food from the mornings. So far I like!

Let’s see, what else? Aiden is crawling, the puppy still thinks that the house is his personal bathroom,
Andrew actually has a four-day weekend, and I am exhausted. I know there was something else I was going to say but I can’t really remember so I am just going to leave it at that and hope to post pictures….someday….

Oh Where Art Thou, Mommy Van

Well I just called the auto repair shop, and they found more damage, as in the steering column is gone. You know, kinda essential. I have 4 pages worth of damages. So now they aren’t sure when I will get the van back, might be next week, though they said they are still shooting for friday.

In other news, my mop is down the street at the delivery facility, I have no clue where my text book is, and I forgot how much dogs chew when they are puppies. Unfortunatly Parker thinks Aiden’s ears are chew toys. The toys Andrew bought are a little to big still, so I will have to get some at the grocery store.

So there you go. Oh, and as far as trying to get out debt, with the PS3 and the dog, we wracked up 700 in CC debt. UG!!! What were we thinking??

Anyway, I will try and post pictures, hopefully the kids and dog will sleep well since Andrew won’t be home until God knows when…

After a meer 2 years of life….

Our X-box had the three red light of death. Thankfully we are still under warranty and get it fixed free. Unfortunately it will probably take 6 weeks. So, since Andrew wanted a PS3, and we need another DVD played anyway, and we wanted a Blue Ray, we went and got the PS3 last night at 10pm since the kids were both awake because, hey, who needs to sleep when you can stay up all night and be a crabby butt all day tomorrow?

Since we bought it last night we didn’t play any games or anything yet, but it looks pretty anyway…sitting there in all its black, sleek glory. I don’t play video games really, but it is pretty looking.

In other news, I wish I had the will power I once had to lose weight. I am just hungry all the freaking time. So I am going to the dr about that, and about getting a referal to my OB (stupid HMO crap) so I can get ‘fixed’ permanently. I guess there is a new in office procedure for women. Except that I just read this article and because I have endometriosis and because I had stage 4, the worst, I have a lot of scar tissue. I guess it is back to Andrew getting snipped.

Now that you know way to much about me, I will go. Landen just woke up so I need to get him something to drink and breakfast. And change a poopy diaper or two.

Oh Joy!!!

So it is the little things in life, as of late, that give me joy. Kids sleeping, a quiet minute to check my e-mail, someone actually writing to me, and EJ and Sami kissing!!! Okay, so my guilty pleasure during the boys naptime is watching Days of Our Lives. Yes a soap, but I love it. I have watched it since High School on and off, but since we have DVR now, and since I haven’t worked in like 2.5 years, I have watched it everyday religiously. So I am probably the only one A) Watching it and B) routing for Sami and EJ to be together.

So if you want you can skip this paragraph, but I am about to justify why EJ and Sami should be together. I think EJ loves her unconditionally where Lucus loves her when she behaves. EJ likes when she is manipulative and caniving, as well as when she is nice and sweet. Lucas only goes for the latter of the two and dumps her everytime she schemes against someone. Her and EJ would be perfect together – scheming, loving, manipulative people. I LOVE IT!!! And I really do think he is sorry for what he did to her.

Anyway now that we are all aware that I have no live and must live precariously through characters on a cheesy soap….we can talk about how my mop is somewhere in Indiana and how I got my Sonic Scrubber at Target, and a huge deep fryer. We can also talk about how i need to go to the store for more crap, get the paper work done to apply for daycare subsidy while I am in school, and how I need to clean the window screnes and everything else. But all that is just as boring.

Instead lets talk about why the terrible twos are so terrible. I am begining to think that Landen has mood swings. One minute he is fine, the next he is throwing a fit over a light or the door being open or Aiden playing with something. And for the love of God I can’t watch anymore “Monkey” (Curious George). The kid is obsessed. The first thing he says when he wakes up is “Monkey?”

As for Aiden, he is doing better now that we have him back on Nutramigen, a hypoallergenic formula. We had him on that the first 6.5mo but the Dr suggested we try him on regular formula since most kids’ digestive systems have matured enough by that point to adjust to regular formula, not Aiden. It was colic all over again. So we are back on the formula that works. It’s hella expensive but worth my sanity. BTW the kid is 7mo and 24 lbs and fits in Landen’s 2T shirts. He can wear 18mo old ones too. I will have to post pics tonight or something.

Anyway, I think that’s really it. Plus Aiden wants a bottle, cause lord knows he could starve *eye roll*

Stuff….

So, as we all know, I have kids. And we also all know that I am easily overwhelmed because I have this thing about perfection. I also deal with stress via eating and having a short fuse. So I have been eating and snapping at the kids and I feel terrible. I think I need my prozac upped actually, because I am having those post-partum depression thoughts of “why the hell did I ever have kids, I have my fricking life” . I had bad post partum depression with both boys, and while I love them, I think terrible things that I regret.

I think another problem is that I never get a break – I am with them 24/7 but they don’t really like Andrew because they don’t really know him, and I don’t trust anyone to watch them. I see things on the news like teenagers forcing a baby to smoke pot, or people beating the kids or whatever else and there is no way I am leaving them with anyone but family. I am super leary about even leaving them at a state accredited daycare. I am actually freaking out about it. What if something happens? I will never forgive myself for choosing to continue my education at their expense.

ANYWAY I need to stop talking about that because I am stressing myself out even more. I need an outlet – we have an exercise bike, but by 9pm I am to tired to care about exercise. Okay, didn’t I just say I wasn’t going to talk about that….

So I ordered a bissell steam mop that I am very excited about and it should be in next week. I can’t wait to use it!!! I am trying to go greener and get rid of chemical cleaners – not just for the environment but because I have asthma and migraines and most cleaners affect my breathing and trigger headaches. Also, I worry about the kids being exposed to all those different cleaners as well. Did you know that you can clean/disinfectant with just hot water, soap, vinegar, and some sort of citrus (orange or lemon). The only chemical I plan on keeping around is the toilet wand I have because I hate sticking my hand in there.

So there you go, my little gift to Al Gore and the democrats.

Also, I want this Sonic Scrubber thing. Is it weird that i love cleaning products?

I also am awaiting a text book “Introduction to Social Work” I can’t wait to read it – also, is it sad that i read textbooks for fun?

Well I better clean up before the boys wake. Hope everyone is well.

Goodbye Mommy Van, We Hardly Knew Ye

Well, today didn’t start off so great. I went to the dr, finally, because I was blowing my nose and all that came out was blood. So I went to go get antibiotics, droped off my script, and was going to return a movie when I got distracted, went over the curb, hit and knocked off a hydrant and a speed limit sign and hurt my poor van. The oil pan was ripped off. Thankfully no one was hurt, the airbags didn’t deploy, and I didn’t get ticketed. Unfortunately we have one car, though we have rental car coverage so I have to call about that later.

In better news, because really there can’t be much worse than that happen, I have officially completed my undergraduate degree at UAF. I just sent in my last final, and I officially graduate on Sunday, Go me! I should be getting my diploma in the mail, wahoo! I will frame it, and hang it, and hug it and show it my student loan bills.

Anyway, really that’s all I have. I guess, since the kids are sleeping nicely like the Angels *ahem* that they are, I will clean, or try and be productive, instead of procrastinating on here. Plus, I think I have to clean for Andrew to make up for wrecking the car lol.

…Uck

So the boys and I are sick – still sick I should say. Aiden has been sick for a week now, Landen since last Friday. He actually had to go to the ER this last Saturday because his breathing was strained. Turns out he has croup and an ear infection so he is on antibiotics, as is Aiden. I have yet to go to the dr, but I too am sick. It sucks.

However, despite our illness we went to Andrew’s station commander’s house. Mike and Beth are pretty nice, I had a lot of fun, seeing as this was my first outing in a long long time. They have a 3 yr old and a 20mo old and one due in a few days. We just hung out, the kids, all sick, watched cartoons and felt each other out, and us adults talked and ate. It was pretty great. I hope we get to do it again soon.

In other news, I am officially graduating from UAF on the 11th of this month, all though the graduation office gave me a scare when they couldn’t find the petition waiving my 1/2 oral credit. It was found though. So, I have applied for assistance for day care and OSU will lend me the money to go to school. All I have left is my final in my social work class – I have to write up case notes for an appointment scenario as well as a care plan. Fun. Tonight will be a LONG night.

Anyway, that’s really it. Hope everyone is well.

Back in the Game

So, I am officially enrolled at OSU for the fall semester – now to just get the money to pay for classes and daycare… I will be spending more to attend OSU in two years than I did for the 5 I have student loans out for at UAF. Amazing. Good thing my salery will be for paying off debt and “fun” stuff. Of course, that’s two years from now…

So, needless to say I am now stressing about going back to school at such a huge campus and abandoning my kids at daycare. I feel like such a terrible mom entrusting them to someone else. I don’t think Landen has been away from me more than 8 hours at a time, and that was only once. Aiden, on the other hand, has not been away from me more than 2 or 3 hours, and that too is rare. All though Landen does play well with the other kids at the playground in our housing complex….I keep telling myself I am helping them by getting my degree and offering them things like a big yard, good schooling, and extra goodies as well as a college fund by doing this, but then I feel guilty sacrificing my time with them. Ug.

Anyway, I need to stop thinking about all that crap. So, the kids and I are sick – sore throat, runny nose, sinus headache, and cough. Fun times. So I have been up all night with Aiden and Landen has been waking up with a dry/soar throat and needs water and his bink. However, thank god for cold meds, because they are actually PLAYING while I type this – do you know the last time they were good like this? Like a month ago, for real. I have been going nuts with the whining and crying all freaking day, and thanks to good old triaminic cold they are nice…until the meds wear off lol.

So I guess that is really all. I am going to go pretend I feel okay and either play with the kids, crash on the couch, or go tend to Aiden who is now crying…it was nice while it lasted.